The Washington Post today published a nice blow job of a piece on so-called millennial news sites like .Mic, Fusion, and the hilariously named “,” and how these angel-invested content theme parks are capturing the minds of socially interested young ones (are they? they’re not).

According to Fusion’s editor, Alexis Madrigal, his site is not only where America’s LGBTQROYGBIV youth gets its news but also probably a breeding ground for the next Martin Luther King, Jr.:

Fusion’s new editor in chief, Alexis Madrigal, 33, offers a more expansive variation on that theme: “What ties our audience together isn’t a particular demographic affiliation, but an interest in equality, social justice, and the idea of an America that isn’t dominated by old white men. . . . Our audience doesn’t care if a bunch of old people want the world to go back to the 1950s. We’ll be happy living in a more free, more equal future.”

Fusion’s readers, Madrigal says, are “suspicious of the institutions that our parents and grandparents built, which are mostly failing us anyway.”

Sure. I hate my grandpa, too. Just kidding, he’s dead, and he was fine when he was alive, although he always liked to whisper in my ear: “Leah, the 1950s... they were amazing... when I am dead please bring them back... also raw hamburger meat is good for you.”

The Post’s Paul Farhi, a fine man, could not seem to find any women to interview for this article on the future of news, which is weird because there are a lot of female journalists working in news today, last time I went to the gynecologist. Maybe they are not working at these cool “millennial” sites, though, which appear to be just for men like:

  • Jake Horowitz, 27, Mic’s co-founder and editor in chief, who told Farhi that “young people look at the world ‘very, very differently’ than older generations and are hungry for a newer style of news.”
  • Carlos Watson, founder and chief executive of, no age given, “We’re doing original, global reporting on both serious and fun stories.”
  • And, of course, Mr. Madrigal: “We’re the same as all other people, aside from having to launch our lives and careers at a time when our country’s 20th-century physical, financial, and educational infrastructure is buckling from lack of care and maintenance. But you don’t hear the old-timers complaining about us mention that very often.”

These are the words of some thirsty-ass motherfuckers who don’t really give a shit about “journalism” or “social justice” but clearly love being quoted in the Washington Post, a paper of their corrupt pop-pops. Don’t worry, the world is crumbling and the Fusion troops will save us. Imagine the movie San Andreas but instead of the Rock, Alexis Madrigal. Sheee-it.

The real question is: Why do millennials need their own news sites? They can’t read the big-kid papers? Are the fonts too small? Not enough Rihanna content? They don’t understand a news article if it doesn’t have the word “fleek” in it? Give me a break. The New York Times is written at an eighth-grade reading level. It’s dumb enough for everyone.

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